My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize