I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
