she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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