Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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