my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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