So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize