If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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