You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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