So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
