So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
