If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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