i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
