I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
