If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
