The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
