did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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