lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
