Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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