Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
