Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
