my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
