you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
