I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
