if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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