Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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