my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
