If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
