I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
