This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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