I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
