No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
