my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize