im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
she peed on how many people?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
