i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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