i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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