I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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