Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
