You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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