just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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