There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
