I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
