when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
sarcasm needs its own font
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
