I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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