Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
