i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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