I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
