You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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