I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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