Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize