I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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