I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize