my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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