I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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