Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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