I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You're like the curious george of whores
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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