Pappa wants mamma naked
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize