I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
