my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
