Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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