I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
