Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
