I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize