He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
