if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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