Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
