I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
