I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize