I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
