She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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