I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
