I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
