Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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