Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
