First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
