I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
