The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
